Monday, January 30, 2012

Crossroads once more

School is coming to an end soon. I just finished my last unit and I am graduating this year. I can’t help but to be amazed at how fast time has passed.

The great news is that I have got my milestone grade with a record breaking score that I have ever gotten in the entire course. I guessed Dr Starry Starry Night really like our project and presentation very, very much. And for a good moment during that module, I thought I couldn’t make it as I am not good at reading tea leaves.

This degree course didn’t come by easy. Hence, I have vowed to work very hard and to get as many As as possible. I  have made true to that promise – I have half of my grades in As. All the hard work and effort I had put in paid off.

Despite all the complaints and whines that I have made during these years, I realized that I really love studying. Rather sadly, it is what I do best currently in life - I have basically failed miserably in all other aspects of my life.

Can’t say that I feel better. I am still lost. I have no faith in anything. Self-esteem called and said that it is not planning to come back anytime soon, while the thing called life continues to mock at me at every possible way. In summary, I just feel fat and worthless.

If I still believed in God, he did try to make rock-bottom more comfortable and welcoming by decorating the place with little packages of joy and trimmings of hope. I did feel a brief moment of happiness when I opened some of the joy and hope packages. But they were not enough to outlast the night. And God, there were some long long nights.

During this dark moment I was contemplating to leave everything I once knew and to start afresh somewhere else. Again, I realised I was behind the norm again. I wanted badly to pursue what I should be pursuing in life. Alas, life at this current stage prevents me from executing the plan. There again, life – 1 and me – 0.

How can life not win me when it has persuaders like my mum who may be right in thinking that I may not be able to do it, I shouldn’t think big, I cannot achieve something else, I should be grateful…All because I am fat.

Sometimes, I cannot help but to question whether this is really the truth. I can’t really make it in life apart from where I am now? I cannot adapt to a new life in my current self? Am I really that bad as a person? Why do I have to be so grounded? Why can’t I dream and do bigger things in life (apart from being bigger size)?


In truth, I have never feel like a loser until recently. There are always people for some reasons who like to highlight they are so much smarter while I am always stupid and ignorant in their eyes…Just like some of my newer classmates. Like how they start countering your arguments with flawed ones when the information is obviously in the reading which they didn’t read. 

In situation like that, I sometimes can’t help laughing mentally when their contempt starts. I don’t correct them doesn’t mean that I don’t know. They have never considered the fact that maybe I am just being polite not wanting to point their errors out.

Then again, I may not write grammatically correct English, but it does not meant that I can’t rationalised things with facts obviously laid out in front of me. It is possible for me to have an average IQ score even though I don’t look like it. I also find it difficult to adjust at times to all these belittling acts when none of my lecturers or my long time classmates see me that way - a stupid girl.

Anyhow, I have enough of all these rubbish treatments. I am going to take a tighter control of my life. I have bigger dreams to follow in life. I am not going to waste my precious time on people who do not believe in me. Life is too short to be wasted like that.

For better or for worse, I don’t know. I firmly believed that God will never close a door on people who work hard to strive for a better life. I am putting my future in his hands and bravely face whatever that come my way.  

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